A Long Distance Relationship + Difference in Cultural Values = Heartache

TiNgLu_SiNgH

I met my sweetheart at SFU in first year. She's a sophomore and still has two more years of school left. But after she's done with school she wants to be a doctor or pharmacist, and that will be another four years. I love her and trust to very much, and will wait for however long it takes to be with her. Right now we are about two hours apart. She still lives with her parents, and I go visit her every chance I get. She doesn't visit me because her mother won't let her. She says it's too dangerous to drive. So I'm the one who is always traveling.

Now, my girlfriend's mom is very traditional Filipino. Meaning she is VERY strict. This is getting on my nerves so much. It's very frustrating to see my girlfriend, who is so obediant, just let her mom tell her what to do all the time. She wants to go visit me, but its not her decision she says. Well I'm not sure how much of culture is talking or what, but she is 19 years old, a big girl now, and can make up her mind for herself..... right? I assume they all trust me, and knew I was a good person for their daughter. But now I'm getting doubts, like they don't accept me.

My girlfriend requested time off from work so we can have a nice 9 monthsary together. I asked her if she could come visit me for once for our 9 monthsary. She said I don't know if my mom will let me. Well, I'm taking a stand. I've given into all her family's cultural traditions for long enough. I've decided not to go visit her next weekend for our 9 monthsary. If she wants a 9 monthsary, she will have to be the one to visit me. I told her this, and she is sad because now she has to decide whether or not to break her mom's rules. If she does her mom will be very upset with her. If she doesn't I will be very dissapointed in her. I hate to make her sad, but I'm sick and tired of doing all the sacrificing.

Is it reasonable for me to put her in this situation?

talula

i think it's definately reasonable. at the age of 19, she's old enough to make her own decisions. plus, shes gotta start makin her own decisions instead of listening to the mom all the time. yea shes a good daughter for listenin to the mom. but where do you draw the line? sometimes parents can be too controlling (it can become very unreasonable). so she should really learn to take a stand. anyways good luck!

Mengs

damn son... is you stupid or something?
I mean, no offence, but for one; if you really really like her, you would never ask her to not obey what her mom has told her... and second of all, you can't talk like that about others cultures, cos you just don't understand it...

I mean, things seem so black and white when you are not from that culture, but trust me when I say that they are not...

if you push it any harder, she'll probably break up with you because you're not getting her and her parents...

I come from asian background but I have lived my whole life overseas, and one thing I have learned from all asian cultures is that daughters and sons will never do what their parents tell em not to do, I know you don't get this... but it's not gonna happen... trust me... you just don't have that something to understand the culture...

good going son...

Mikaela

ya u shouldnt make her choose between her family and you, if shes really not allowed to travel to come see u then u should try to understand that.. and so what happens if she does disobey her parents and come, shes gonna have such a hard time at home when she gets back, parents are gonna keep a tighter leesh on her and she will end up feelin like shit all the time.. i dun think u wanna be the cause of putting her through that, esp if u love her so much right? u guys should talk about alternative ways of fixing ur problem, like maybe meeting halfway.. her mom might be cooler with that then the whole 2 hours

illicit

in my opinion, FAMILY WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST. they're the one that you will always return to, or be able to return to. like other ssaid, if you respect her and her family culture / traditions, you'd try to accomodate those needs while ensuring she feels comfortable to be with you.

Malakaiii

If you are fed up with this after 9 months, you will not last another 4 years until she is finished school and will marry you.

It isn't fair to make her choose between her family and you... this is a battle you will always lose!

If you can't deal with this now and aren't willing to abide by her mom's rules, then you had might as well find a new girl.