imo you need to know all of his/her flaws before getting married. The day you decide to get married should be the day you decide that you're ok with all their flaws
I guess you would want to live with someone before you were married then?
And good on you, Lixie. Sounds like you're having a great time!
imo you need to know all of his/her flaws before getting married. The day you decide to get married should be the day you decide that you're ok with all their flaws
i just think.. the day you decide to get married under the conditions you listed is the day the life of a boring marriage begins.. i don't mind finding out flaws after marriage (if i ever get married) because it's the process of learning together on what it means to be married that's worthwhile..so you're bound to find more flaws along the way.. =\
Nicole, you said sex before marriage is a morality issue for your bf and I'm really curious about how this conversation went about. I'm gonna be asking for more details about it, but don't feel obliged.
Did it merely begin as an innocent question and answer getting-to-know-each-other conversation? Did he give any more reasons/explanation why it's a "morality thing for him"? Is it something personal to him? Or is he really just old-school?
Considering the situation here, to have scored a chick like you, I'm assuming this guy must be fairly decent looking but he's also lived longer than you... immaculately. It's rare to meet a guy like him nowadays.
I could tell that he definitely wasn't used to doing anything per se so quickly in a relationship as we took it really slow. The conversation came about when we were fooling around one day. I forget was he said exactly, but it got me to ask him the question "well, what have you done?" Then came the responses and voila.
It's also a religious thing for him, which is a little different because he doesn't go to church or any of the sort. I think another part of it is that he does want to be married and a lot of his friends are definitely more into the casual sex, so he's regularly surrounded by the 30-somethings who are single and still sleeping around. He's expressed that he doesn't want to turn out that way, which I haven't tried to challenge.
Overall, to answer your question, he's very old school and it's also a personal thing for him.
It's definitely rare to meet someone like him these days. He's attractive, older, and $$$$, but definitely innocent. Have to take the great with the difficult sometimes I guess!
I see. So it was religion too. I just wanted to confirm and get more details about how devoted he is with it, since to some people, the religious types will automatically seem nice at first but will eventually show a different side. At least basing from what I've seen around me.
It's also nice to be aware of his perception of things in contrast to his aging friends who are the exact opposite. It's like rationalizing moral values without saying "because Gandhi/religion says so".
He's never outright said that it's a religious thing, but he's Catholic so it's assumed. Aside from this, he really doesn't follow the religion any too closely...so that wouldn't concern me at all.
I was brought up to wait for marriage too, but clearly I didn't follow. He just did!
i truly feel sorry for this man.. i really do.. hence.. don't. get. married. and if you believe in marriages you need to believe in divorces too for they're meaningless without the other..
Wow. What a poor guy and yet if you think about it, this is actually very common.
I have a lot of Christian friends and I've been to a lot of their Bible studies. I feel sorry for them that at their age, they still listen and accept what their pastors tell them without ever challenging their beliefs system. Their entire lives have been spent believing in all this it's become a part of their logic.
nice link.... i don't feel sorry for the guy truth is he should have considered the possible outcomes but given he believes in an invisible all powerful man he probably jumps balls first into situations without thinking about consequences and his solution is to just ignore her? this guy has no balls seriously he just needs to talk to his wife not avoid her thats what cowards do
nice link.... i don't feel sorry for the guy truth is he should have considered the possible outcomes but given he believes in an invisible all powerful man he probably jumps balls first into situations without thinking about consequences and his solution is to just ignore her? this guy has no balls seriously he just needs to talk to his wife not avoid her thats what cowards do
I don't agree with you at all. I'm an atheist too, but blaming the fact that he believes in a big invisible man is going to far. It could have been me or you that did that exact same thing, had we grown up in the right circumstances. Why would he think of consequences to something that is 100% right in his belief system?
Also, you can't be all badass and say that he is doing nothing about it. He's depressed, and just wants to get away for a bit. What he doesn't want to do is break his family apart for the sake of himself. He admitted that it was a mistake he made in the, but he isn't about to destroy 3 other lives for what he wants.
I will also engage myself in this potentially controversial exchange of ideas. Like lazyGuy here, I will also use proper sentence structuring making sure I'm capitalizing my letters appropriately so my opinions may be taken seriously.
lol anyway, they don't say "easier said than done" for no reason at all. I think bufli's post lacks a little more contemplation on the matter. His psot seems like it's from that ferriswheel guy who used to be active here. That's all I have for now as I don't want to stay any longer at work. Laters!
i truly feel sorry for this man.. i really do.. hence.. don't. get. married. and if you believe in marriages you need to believe in divorces too for they're meaningless without the other..
You're obviously an exception. I have never met a single women who wouldn't want to get married.
he admitted it was his mistake, great on him that’s the first step but he is dealing with it in a poor way. he mentioned his children are going to graduate from college, their old enough to respect his choices and understand his point of view so if he is not in love and does not like his wife why should he be with her if he has no reason to? he was a man and stayed in until his kids were old enough, props to him for that. but now that his kids are old enough he does not need to be there because at this point he is just being dishonest with them. what kind of example is he going to set when he’s never home and always avoiding his wife? he has reached a point in his life where he cannot use his children as an excuse and now needs to confront his problem. he admitted he contemplated suicide, which means hes looking for a quick exit that does not involve confronting the people. he didn't do that for his stated reasons (again respect to him again for putting his family first) but hes now talking about taking the next quick exit by avoiding them ... and that’s my point, his solution to avoid his wife is terrible. why cant he believe in himself and talk to his wife? tell her how he really feels and how hes felt? see a professional ? etc.. why run from his problems? im not bashing the guy for his religion, im not taking away credit for what hes done so far because it takes commitment to do what hes done so far. but i am criticizing his future plan of actions
EDIT: it just seems like hes expecting credit for things hes "supposed to do " for example he states how he didn't commit suicide cuz he thought about his kids.... no shit, everyone has problems at times and i don't think its ever acceptable to view suicide as an exit. with his kids he made a commitment when he decided to have them so he better follow through on taking care of them... so why should we give him brownie points on not committing suicide?
I don't know if you're deliberately not reading this man's posts clearly.
1) He said that once the kids are DONE growing up, he will consider taking jobs that keep him away from home. Meaning that he no longer NEEDS to be an example to his kids. There are fathers who are a lot less considerate. My own father hadn't lived with us in the same house since I was 12.
2) Why do you try being STUCK married to a woman you can't love anymore for 15 years, and then you can get back to us on whether you'd consider suicide. In his mind, there is NO OTHER alternative. He CANNOT divorce. I'm sure we've all been in a tight spot at one point in our lives.
4) He's tried talking to his wife--LEARN HOW TO READ--he said he was tired of making her cry. I'm sure he's considered this talking option in the 15 YEARS that he's had to deal with this conflict.
3) OF COURSE he wants credit for his honorable actions. Why else would he make a post about it? Do you know any person who did a good deed without bragging about it? Even Jesus had to show off his good deeds.
Also: YOU'RE NOT HIM. You don't know what he's going through. You've read it in a post of his, but until you're married and have children, you'll NEVER understand the conflicts within this man's mind. So instead of asking "why is he such a coward?" just sit back and take credit for linking the post to us.
@hope: breaking news? i was was always under the impression she was never single.. at least not for long.. :tongue:
Good for her. what about you? how long have you been single? You may be good at defending her but who knows, you gotta find a solution for your damn single life....bum....woaa woa woa wiwah
i am single and have been for quite a while.. i enjoy the freedom it brings me so i'm not quite sure why i need to find a solution to my "damn single life"
now.. word of advice.. if you really wanna burn someone.. make sure what you're getting at really burns.. otherwise you'll just make a big fool of yourself.. as you have done so here..
i am single and have been for quite a while.. i enjoy the freedom it brings me so i'm not quite sure why i need to find a solution to my "damn single life"
now.. word of advice.. if you really wanna burn someone.. make sure what you're getting at really burns.. otherwise you'll just make a big fool of yourself.. as you have done so here..
call me 'fool' if that makes you happy. who cares, you know we smile while we are bleeding...
Good for her. what about you? how long have you been single? You may be good at defending her but who knows, you gotta find a solution for your damn single life....bum....woaa woa woa wiwah
ummm so ur claiming that being single is a problem? time for you to get with the times man...
Good for her. what about you? how long have you been single? You may be good at defending her but who knows, you gotta find a solution for your damn single life....bum....woaa woa woa wiwah
I R BEEN SINGLE FOR A LONG TIME.
Then again I know why, look at my picture.
Moral: Let's not be too judgemental towards those with more favored opportunities. I begrudge none here. :)
I don't know if you're deliberately not reading this man's posts clearly.
1) He said that once the kids are DONE growing up, he will consider taking jobs that keep him away from home. Meaning that he no longer NEEDS to be an example to his kids. There are fathers who are a lot less considerate. My own father hadn't lived with us in the same house since I was 12.
2) Why do you try being STUCK married to a woman you can't love anymore for 15 years, and then you can get back to us on whether you'd consider suicide. In his mind, there is NO OTHER alternative. He CANNOT divorce. I'm sure we've all been in a tight spot at one point in our lives.
4) He's tried talking to his wife--LEARN HOW TO READ--he said he was tired of making her cry. I'm sure he's considered this talking option in the 15 YEARS that he's had to deal with this conflict.
3) OF COURSE he wants credit for his honorable actions. Why else would he make a post about it? Do you know any person who did a good deed without bragging about it? Even Jesus had to show off his good deeds.
Also: YOU'RE NOT HIM. You don't know what he's going through. You've read it in a post of his, but until you're married and have children, you'll NEVER understand the conflicts within this man's mind. So instead of asking "why is he such a coward?" just sit back and take credit for linking the post to us.
2) umm he can divorce.. its a choice...
4) the point is not weather he tried or not, its weather he got his point across vs let her emotions get the best of him and back out on his own feelings
for example by "try" he could've brought up the topic, she started crying, he then changes topic because he doesn't want her to cry... the result is the same as not trying to begin with
3) last i checked jesus did not write about himself but maybe thats cuz the internets didn't exist yet... now that i think about it, he would've been far more successful in his campain against the jews had he invented twitter, youtube and facebook.
4) the point is not weather he tried or not, its weather he got his point across vs let her emotions get the best of him and back out on his own feelings
for example by "try" he could've brought up the topic, she started crying, he then changes topic because he doesn't want her to cry... the result is the same as not trying to begin with
3) last i checked jesus did not write about himself but maybe thats cuz the internets didn't exist yet... now that i think about it, he would've been far more successful in his campain against the jews had he invented twitter, youtube and facebook.
My point is though, people are different. He was raised to believe that divorce is not a choice. Like with me, I'm brought up to believe a piece of paper proving my intelligence is absolutely necessary. As much as I hate the bureaucracy behind university education and as much as I UNDERSTAND that intelligence can't be defined by this piece of paper, I can't for the life of me STOP going to school and just work.
And again, you are not this man. You haven't started a family of your own, so you don't know what it means to destroy your own family for your own wants and needs. Maybe family means more to this man than it does to you, who knows.
Cowardice or not, it takes A LOT for a man to stay in an unhappy marriage. Whatever reason he did it for, scared of hurting his wife or not, he still kept his family intact until his children are older. If a person that puts the great good before his own is a coward, than Jesus is a coward.
And it's "whether" you want to be using, not "weather."
Comments
And good on you, Lixie. Sounds like you're having a great time!
variety is fun, consistency is boring :angel:
Did it merely begin as an innocent question and answer getting-to-know-each-other conversation? Did he give any more reasons/explanation why it's a "morality thing for him"? Is it something personal to him? Or is he really just old-school?
Considering the situation here, to have scored a chick like you, I'm assuming this guy must be fairly decent looking but he's also lived longer than you... immaculately. It's rare to meet a guy like him nowadays.
I could tell that he definitely wasn't used to doing anything per se so quickly in a relationship as we took it really slow. The conversation came about when we were fooling around one day. I forget was he said exactly, but it got me to ask him the question "well, what have you done?" Then came the responses and voila.
It's also a religious thing for him, which is a little different because he doesn't go to church or any of the sort. I think another part of it is that he does want to be married and a lot of his friends are definitely more into the casual sex, so he's regularly surrounded by the 30-somethings who are single and still sleeping around. He's expressed that he doesn't want to turn out that way, which I haven't tried to challenge.
Overall, to answer your question, he's very old school and it's also a personal thing for him.
It's definitely rare to meet someone like him these days. He's attractive, older, and $$$$, but definitely innocent. Have to take the great with the difficult sometimes I guess!
It's also nice to be aware of his perception of things in contrast to his aging friends who are the exact opposite. It's like rationalizing moral values without saying "because Gandhi/religion says so".
I was brought up to wait for marriage too, but clearly I didn't follow. He just did!
hence.. don't. get. married.
and if you believe in marriages you need to believe in divorces too for they're meaningless without the other..
I have a lot of Christian friends and I've been to a lot of their Bible studies. I feel sorry for them that at their age, they still listen and accept what their pastors tell them without ever challenging their beliefs system. Their entire lives have been spent believing in all this it's become a part of their logic.
truth is he should have considered the possible outcomes but given he believes in an invisible all powerful man he probably jumps balls first into situations without thinking about consequences
and his solution is to just ignore her? this guy has no balls
seriously he just needs to talk to his wife not avoid her thats what cowards do
Also, you can't be all badass and say that he is doing nothing about it. He's depressed, and just wants to get away for a bit. What he doesn't want to do is break his family apart for the sake of himself. He admitted that it was a mistake he made in the, but he isn't about to destroy 3 other lives for what he wants.
lol anyway, they don't say "easier said than done" for no reason at all. I think bufli's post lacks a little more contemplation on the matter. His psot seems like it's from that ferriswheel guy who used to be active here. That's all I have for now as I don't want to stay any longer at work. Laters!
EDIT: it just seems like hes expecting credit for things hes "supposed to do "
for example he states how he didn't commit suicide cuz he thought about his kids.... no shit, everyone has problems at times and i don't think its ever acceptable to view suicide as an exit. with his kids he made a commitment when he decided to have them so he better follow through on taking care of them... so why should we give him brownie points on not committing suicide?
I don't know if you're deliberately not reading this man's posts clearly.
1) He said that once the kids are DONE growing up, he will consider taking jobs that keep him away from home. Meaning that he no longer NEEDS to be an example to his kids. There are fathers who are a lot less considerate. My own father hadn't lived with us in the same house since I was 12.
2) Why do you try being STUCK married to a woman you can't love anymore for 15 years, and then you can get back to us on whether you'd consider suicide. In his mind, there is NO OTHER alternative. He CANNOT divorce. I'm sure we've all been in a tight spot at one point in our lives.
4) He's tried talking to his wife--LEARN HOW TO READ--he said he was tired of making her cry. I'm sure he's considered this talking option in the 15 YEARS that he's had to deal with this conflict.
3) OF COURSE he wants credit for his honorable actions. Why else would he make a post about it? Do you know any person who did a good deed without bragging about it? Even Jesus had to show off his good deeds.
Also: YOU'RE NOT HIM. You don't know what he's going through. You've read it in a post of his, but until you're married and have children, you'll NEVER understand the conflicts within this man's mind. So instead of asking "why is he such a coward?" just sit back and take credit for linking the post to us.
now.. word of advice.. if you really wanna burn someone.. make sure what you're getting at really burns.. otherwise you'll just make a big fool of yourself.. as you have done so here..
time for you to get with the times man...
Then again I know why, look at my picture.
Moral: Let's not be too judgemental towards those with more favored opportunities. I begrudge none here. :)
Larf. :tongue:
4) the point is not weather he tried or not, its weather he got his point across vs let her emotions get the best of him and back out on his own feelings
for example by "try" he could've brought up the topic, she started crying, he then changes topic because he doesn't want her to cry... the result is the same as not trying to begin with
3) last i checked jesus did not write about himself but maybe thats cuz the internets didn't exist yet... now that i think about it, he would've been far more successful in his campain against the jews had he invented twitter, youtube and facebook.
And again, you are not this man. You haven't started a family of your own, so you don't know what it means to destroy your own family for your own wants and needs. Maybe family means more to this man than it does to you, who knows.
Cowardice or not, it takes A LOT for a man to stay in an unhappy marriage. Whatever reason he did it for, scared of hurting his wife or not, he still kept his family intact until his children are older. If a person that puts the great good before his own is a coward, than Jesus is a coward.
And it's "whether" you want to be using, not "weather."