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Nerd Humour
Nerdy Pickup Lines:
- You must be gibberelin, because I'm experiencing some stem elongation.
- If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.
- Hey, are you an alpha carbon, because you look susceptible to backside attack!
- According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your hotness with me.
- Your name is Leslie? Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
- I less than three you…
- Baby, you’re so gneiss I’ll never take you for granite. (awesome!)
-
The Biology Chick's Personal Ad:
I’m looking for a man to photophosphorylate me all night long. - w4m
I will fondle your vesicles while you caress my golgi body. My stroma is leaking all over the place. We can do it in the alpha or beta configuration, whichever you prefer. You whip me with your flagellum, tubulin subunits flying everywhere. We can make a mess as I’ve hired some lysosomes to clean up after. Please have a smooth endoplasmic reticulum but know that I like it rough, if you know what I mean. I also prefer my ribosomes bound…tight. Spin me round with your basal body and make sure it’s turgid. Pump me up and down your concentration gradient, letting the chemiosmosis take control. I can go both ways, just like an amphipathic phospholipid. Do you like aerobic respiration as much as I do?
Let me know if this makes you secrete.
Johnny's Lament:
"Johnny was a chemist's son,
But Johnny is no more.
What Johnny thought was H20
was H2SO4."
Q. What does DNA stand for?
A. National Dyslexics Association
A little neurological put down: You've only got two neurons--and one of them's inhibitory.
A biology professor was addressing his class, wanting to see if they'd
read the assigned text. He asked Miss Smith to stand. She does.
Professor: Miss Smith, what part of the human body increases ten times
when excited?
Miss Smith blushes and hesitates and giggles.
Proessor: Miss Smith, please sit down. Miss Jones, please stand and
tell me if you know what part of the human body increases ten times when
excited.
Miss Jones: Yes, Professor. It's the pupil of the eye.
Professor: Very good. Thank you Miss Jones, you may sit down. Miss
Smith, will you please stand again. (She does) I have three things to
say to you.
1. You have not done your homework
2. You have a very dirty mind.
3. You're in for a big disappointment.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
George Washington Carver: To plant peanuts.
Some fun facts (I can't testify to the accuracy of these):
Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog
throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the froguses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to
swallow.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building, it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat
of arms for that reason.
Certain frogs can be frozen solid, then thawed, and survive.
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.
If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!!!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous
spider.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people do.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
One in ten pig is gay.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and
always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are left handed.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length, It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.(Creepy!)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey, I'm
home... what the...)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Starfishes haven't got brains.
Add more!
- You must be gibberelin, because I'm experiencing some stem elongation.
- If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.
- Hey, are you an alpha carbon, because you look susceptible to backside attack!
- According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your hotness with me.
- Your name is Leslie? Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
- I less than three you…
- Baby, you’re so gneiss I’ll never take you for granite. (awesome!)
-
The Biology Chick's Personal Ad:
I’m looking for a man to photophosphorylate me all night long. - w4m
I will fondle your vesicles while you caress my golgi body. My stroma is leaking all over the place. We can do it in the alpha or beta configuration, whichever you prefer. You whip me with your flagellum, tubulin subunits flying everywhere. We can make a mess as I’ve hired some lysosomes to clean up after. Please have a smooth endoplasmic reticulum but know that I like it rough, if you know what I mean. I also prefer my ribosomes bound…tight. Spin me round with your basal body and make sure it’s turgid. Pump me up and down your concentration gradient, letting the chemiosmosis take control. I can go both ways, just like an amphipathic phospholipid. Do you like aerobic respiration as much as I do?
Let me know if this makes you secrete.
Johnny's Lament:
"Johnny was a chemist's son,
But Johnny is no more.
What Johnny thought was H20
was H2SO4."
Q. What does DNA stand for?
A. National Dyslexics Association
A little neurological put down: You've only got two neurons--and one of them's inhibitory.
A biology professor was addressing his class, wanting to see if they'd
read the assigned text. He asked Miss Smith to stand. She does.
Professor: Miss Smith, what part of the human body increases ten times
when excited?
Miss Smith blushes and hesitates and giggles.
Proessor: Miss Smith, please sit down. Miss Jones, please stand and
tell me if you know what part of the human body increases ten times when
excited.
Miss Jones: Yes, Professor. It's the pupil of the eye.
Professor: Very good. Thank you Miss Jones, you may sit down. Miss
Smith, will you please stand again. (She does) I have three things to
say to you.
1. You have not done your homework
2. You have a very dirty mind.
3. You're in for a big disappointment.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
George Washington Carver: To plant peanuts.
Some fun facts (I can't testify to the accuracy of these):
Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog
throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the froguses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to
swallow.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building, it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat
of arms for that reason.
Certain frogs can be frozen solid, then thawed, and survive.
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.
If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!!!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous
spider.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people do.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
One in ten pig is gay.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and
always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are left handed.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length, It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.(Creepy!)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey, I'm
home... what the...)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Starfishes haven't got brains.
Add more!
Comments
Here's another one: By the time a cat is 7 years old, they have slept for 5 years of their life.
i used to like a lot of nerd humor i read on bash.org
basically a collection of irc logs (which im sure some are fabricated) but funny none the less