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found a good article about FIGHTING
Argument Techniques To Avoid
By Kristen Armstrong
Arguments happen. No matter what kind of relationship you have -- with bosses, friends, girlfriends or wives -- it‘s inevitable that you will have to deal with disagreements. Although these battles exist, they don’t have to be fought in such a way that they burn bridges and ruin the relationships in your life.
There are, believe it or not, constructive and healthy ways to fight. Although they don’t save you from the inevitably unpleasant nature of arguments, constructive fights can help to ensure that something is solved and the same fight isn’t repeated. Contrarily, some things you do when you duke it out can make matters even worse than they already are. Below is a list of seven fighting styles that typically lead to an unhappy ending, and reasons why they can be so destructive.
1- Introducing other issues
In this style of fighting, you tend to bring up issues that have nothing to do with the fight at hand. For instance, you’re jealous of your girlfriend’s best "guy pal" and you’re having a fight about it, but you bring up her attitude toward your mother or how she leaves dirty dishes in the bathroom. Not only does this bring up more issues than can possibly be settled in one battle, but it also clouds the issue at hand. This means that after you have fought it out and made up, the issue of your girl’s extra-curricular man is still in the air and you’re likely to have it out about him in the future. If the next fight also gets clouded, you could fight about one problem time and again without ever solving it.
New tactic: Next time, instead of skirting the issues, deal with the argument at hand -- and that’s all. Any outside issues can be saved for later; don’t worry, they won’t go anywhere. Remind yourself of what started this fight, and stick to it. Keep your opponent on topic, too. Fights will be cleaner and shorter this way, and may actually settle a disagreement.
2- Making personal jabs
If you fight dirty, you’re more vengeful, even if unintentionally so. You air dirty laundry and drag personal beefs into unrelated fights, usually in an unconscious attempt to hurt the person with whom you battle. Any statement that begins with “Oh yeah, at least I didn’t… ” indicates that you’re fighting dirty. This style of fighting is destructive because you can hurt someone in ways you will later regret -- like when you bring up your best buddy’s cheating nature during an argument about a lost video game. When the argument gets dirty, it tends to escalate matters very quickly, and it can be damaging for both sides.
New tactic: Instead of making the fight about persons, make it about behaviors. Don’t focus on your buddy’s downfalls as a human, instead, tell him that what he did pissed you off. That way, he knows that if the behavior is stopped, so will the argument -- and you make far fewer enemies.
Learn why it's bad to say, “Well, if you’d pick up around here once in a while we wouldn’t have this problem…”
3- The blame game
As a blamer, you find any weak excuse to make someone else the bad guy instead of admitting your fault. This is a defense mechanism. Perhaps you feel that admitting your faults will negate your side of the argument or that you’ll lose the fight if you give one iota. Your claim is that the fight is due to someone else’s mistakes. Unfortunately, when you deny responsibility, you are unable to settle disputes by mutually conceding some points and making compromises with your adversary. Your opponent must accept fault if there is to be any resolution to the dispute. This may work a couple of times, but it will wear on relationships and no issue will ever be totally settled. Respect may also be lost for those who always give in.
New tactic: In the end, you can admit your fault while still driving your point home. Admit to your secretary that you flew off the handle and tell her that you’re sorry. Above all, explain that it bothers you when she constantly corrects you. This way, you still assert your point of view while exposing the two sides. People are generally far more willing to give if you give.
4- Playing the victim
The victim also shirks responsibility, but instead of coming off as triumphant in an altercation, the victim wants to be pitied. When the victim is accused of being arrogant and pushy, he claims to only want to be liked -- and then he cries about the fact that his opponent has done just the opposite. This causes the opponent to claim responsibility for the fight, promising to never doubt the victim again. The victim has now underhandedly secured a role in which he will never be viewed as guilty. In time, this will grate against the nerves of the parties involved. Friends and coworkers may begin to feel that the victim doesn’t pull his own weight -- and any attempt at challenging the status quo will only turn awry. Eventually, others will get fed up and ditch you if you play the victim.
New tactic: Buck up and admit your fault. Tell your opponent if you genuinely feel that you’ve been trampled on, but assert your need for change on that front. If you’re arrogant and pushy, tell people you’re aware of that fact and that you’re trying to make changes. Acknowledge your role in the altercation and move toward a resolution.
5- For lack of a better word
Swearing when you’re angry comes off as out of control, unprofessional and insensitive. Swearing never eases the tensions in a fight. If you swear at the person you’re fighting with, you’re insulting his dignity. This tactic shifts the fight from a disagreement of opinions to a personal attack. Name-calling is especially out of bounds. This behavior packs even more punch because it resonates beyond the fight itself -- if you’ve called your boss a name, even if the fight is settled, he’ll always remember what you really think of him.
New tactic: Keep it clean. Not to beat a dead horse, but stick to the problem at hand. Concentrate on the behavior, not the person. Your point will be clearer if you speak rationally, and things may actually shift in your favor.
6- Resorting to violent actions
This category includes fighters such as the door-slammer, the thrower-of-objects, the foot-stomper, and the pounder-of-fists-on-tables. All of these behaviors render thoughts of childish fights between siblings. They accomplish nothing and only serve to make your opponent angrier. If you’re fighting with your boss, you’re likely to ruin his or the company’s property, and you come off looking extremely unprofessional. Anger should be handled -- especially in the workplace -- with a touch of class. Everyone’s allowed to get angry, but the key is to control your anger. Throwing objects shows a lack of respect for others in the room. None of us wants our boss or girlfriend to think of us as childish or out of control.
New tactic: If you have the urge to throw things, find an alternative way to vent. For instance, try writing on a piece of paper why you’re angry, take a break, go to the gym or take a long walk. The point is to remove yourself from the situation, but let the other person know that you need to do this so that you don’t become the fighter that storms out.
7- Deserting the scene
Whenever a fight starts, you’re first out the door and you tell yourself that you’d rather put things away until you’re less angry. Waiting until you’re cool-headed is a good idea because you could be thinking more rationally later, and are less likely to say something that you’ll regret. In fact, compared to some of the alternatives, storming out is a great idea; however, there can be downsides to this. One such downside is that the fight’s catalyst may stew in your head and stomach until you think of nastier quips and drudge up old fights in your head. While both sides are getting angrier, the time could have been better spent trying to patch things up. Remember the old adage: Never go to sleep angry.
People who storm out are often the ones who are intimidated by the fight or those who are controlling aggressors. Just try to remember that fights can generally be neutralized if one or both of the participants change their demeanor or their approach. A conversation, albeit a tense one, can replace the fight that was just happening. Try to remember that the other person feels just as angry and hot-tempered as you do -- even if you are in the right.
New tactic: Rather than storming out, try reclaiming your cool by taking a step back, taking a deep breath, and asking your opponent to slow down. All these things will give both of you a moment to regain control of your comportment, and you can still deal with the issues at hand immediately. If you need to leave the scene, inform your combatant that you need to step out to cool off.
a good, clean fight
When you engage in a fight, you must be considerate and controlled. You should try as much as possible to understand the opposing point of view and you should consider whether your words will make matters better or worse. Most importantly, know that sometimes you have to swallow your pride -- I know, it’s hard. It’s sometimes better just to let things go. Do your best to avoid these seven fighting techniques, and you'll sail more smoothly in the future
By Kristen Armstrong
Arguments happen. No matter what kind of relationship you have -- with bosses, friends, girlfriends or wives -- it‘s inevitable that you will have to deal with disagreements. Although these battles exist, they don’t have to be fought in such a way that they burn bridges and ruin the relationships in your life.
There are, believe it or not, constructive and healthy ways to fight. Although they don’t save you from the inevitably unpleasant nature of arguments, constructive fights can help to ensure that something is solved and the same fight isn’t repeated. Contrarily, some things you do when you duke it out can make matters even worse than they already are. Below is a list of seven fighting styles that typically lead to an unhappy ending, and reasons why they can be so destructive.
1- Introducing other issues
In this style of fighting, you tend to bring up issues that have nothing to do with the fight at hand. For instance, you’re jealous of your girlfriend’s best "guy pal" and you’re having a fight about it, but you bring up her attitude toward your mother or how she leaves dirty dishes in the bathroom. Not only does this bring up more issues than can possibly be settled in one battle, but it also clouds the issue at hand. This means that after you have fought it out and made up, the issue of your girl’s extra-curricular man is still in the air and you’re likely to have it out about him in the future. If the next fight also gets clouded, you could fight about one problem time and again without ever solving it.
New tactic: Next time, instead of skirting the issues, deal with the argument at hand -- and that’s all. Any outside issues can be saved for later; don’t worry, they won’t go anywhere. Remind yourself of what started this fight, and stick to it. Keep your opponent on topic, too. Fights will be cleaner and shorter this way, and may actually settle a disagreement.
2- Making personal jabs
If you fight dirty, you’re more vengeful, even if unintentionally so. You air dirty laundry and drag personal beefs into unrelated fights, usually in an unconscious attempt to hurt the person with whom you battle. Any statement that begins with “Oh yeah, at least I didn’t… ” indicates that you’re fighting dirty. This style of fighting is destructive because you can hurt someone in ways you will later regret -- like when you bring up your best buddy’s cheating nature during an argument about a lost video game. When the argument gets dirty, it tends to escalate matters very quickly, and it can be damaging for both sides.
New tactic: Instead of making the fight about persons, make it about behaviors. Don’t focus on your buddy’s downfalls as a human, instead, tell him that what he did pissed you off. That way, he knows that if the behavior is stopped, so will the argument -- and you make far fewer enemies.
Learn why it's bad to say, “Well, if you’d pick up around here once in a while we wouldn’t have this problem…”
3- The blame game
As a blamer, you find any weak excuse to make someone else the bad guy instead of admitting your fault. This is a defense mechanism. Perhaps you feel that admitting your faults will negate your side of the argument or that you’ll lose the fight if you give one iota. Your claim is that the fight is due to someone else’s mistakes. Unfortunately, when you deny responsibility, you are unable to settle disputes by mutually conceding some points and making compromises with your adversary. Your opponent must accept fault if there is to be any resolution to the dispute. This may work a couple of times, but it will wear on relationships and no issue will ever be totally settled. Respect may also be lost for those who always give in.
New tactic: In the end, you can admit your fault while still driving your point home. Admit to your secretary that you flew off the handle and tell her that you’re sorry. Above all, explain that it bothers you when she constantly corrects you. This way, you still assert your point of view while exposing the two sides. People are generally far more willing to give if you give.
4- Playing the victim
The victim also shirks responsibility, but instead of coming off as triumphant in an altercation, the victim wants to be pitied. When the victim is accused of being arrogant and pushy, he claims to only want to be liked -- and then he cries about the fact that his opponent has done just the opposite. This causes the opponent to claim responsibility for the fight, promising to never doubt the victim again. The victim has now underhandedly secured a role in which he will never be viewed as guilty. In time, this will grate against the nerves of the parties involved. Friends and coworkers may begin to feel that the victim doesn’t pull his own weight -- and any attempt at challenging the status quo will only turn awry. Eventually, others will get fed up and ditch you if you play the victim.
New tactic: Buck up and admit your fault. Tell your opponent if you genuinely feel that you’ve been trampled on, but assert your need for change on that front. If you’re arrogant and pushy, tell people you’re aware of that fact and that you’re trying to make changes. Acknowledge your role in the altercation and move toward a resolution.
5- For lack of a better word
Swearing when you’re angry comes off as out of control, unprofessional and insensitive. Swearing never eases the tensions in a fight. If you swear at the person you’re fighting with, you’re insulting his dignity. This tactic shifts the fight from a disagreement of opinions to a personal attack. Name-calling is especially out of bounds. This behavior packs even more punch because it resonates beyond the fight itself -- if you’ve called your boss a name, even if the fight is settled, he’ll always remember what you really think of him.
New tactic: Keep it clean. Not to beat a dead horse, but stick to the problem at hand. Concentrate on the behavior, not the person. Your point will be clearer if you speak rationally, and things may actually shift in your favor.
6- Resorting to violent actions
This category includes fighters such as the door-slammer, the thrower-of-objects, the foot-stomper, and the pounder-of-fists-on-tables. All of these behaviors render thoughts of childish fights between siblings. They accomplish nothing and only serve to make your opponent angrier. If you’re fighting with your boss, you’re likely to ruin his or the company’s property, and you come off looking extremely unprofessional. Anger should be handled -- especially in the workplace -- with a touch of class. Everyone’s allowed to get angry, but the key is to control your anger. Throwing objects shows a lack of respect for others in the room. None of us wants our boss or girlfriend to think of us as childish or out of control.
New tactic: If you have the urge to throw things, find an alternative way to vent. For instance, try writing on a piece of paper why you’re angry, take a break, go to the gym or take a long walk. The point is to remove yourself from the situation, but let the other person know that you need to do this so that you don’t become the fighter that storms out.
7- Deserting the scene
Whenever a fight starts, you’re first out the door and you tell yourself that you’d rather put things away until you’re less angry. Waiting until you’re cool-headed is a good idea because you could be thinking more rationally later, and are less likely to say something that you’ll regret. In fact, compared to some of the alternatives, storming out is a great idea; however, there can be downsides to this. One such downside is that the fight’s catalyst may stew in your head and stomach until you think of nastier quips and drudge up old fights in your head. While both sides are getting angrier, the time could have been better spent trying to patch things up. Remember the old adage: Never go to sleep angry.
People who storm out are often the ones who are intimidated by the fight or those who are controlling aggressors. Just try to remember that fights can generally be neutralized if one or both of the participants change their demeanor or their approach. A conversation, albeit a tense one, can replace the fight that was just happening. Try to remember that the other person feels just as angry and hot-tempered as you do -- even if you are in the right.
New tactic: Rather than storming out, try reclaiming your cool by taking a step back, taking a deep breath, and asking your opponent to slow down. All these things will give both of you a moment to regain control of your comportment, and you can still deal with the issues at hand immediately. If you need to leave the scene, inform your combatant that you need to step out to cool off.
a good, clean fight
When you engage in a fight, you must be considerate and controlled. You should try as much as possible to understand the opposing point of view and you should consider whether your words will make matters better or worse. Most importantly, know that sometimes you have to swallow your pride -- I know, it’s hard. It’s sometimes better just to let things go. Do your best to avoid these seven fighting techniques, and you'll sail more smoothly in the future
Comments
oh... and this is one extreme... the other extreme is not fighting at all... and from experience... that's even worse than some all out crazyass fighting...