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How important is the truth about the past?
My boyfriend and I have been going out for more than a year now. We're serious about our relationship. But, there is one thing that has been bothering me for the past year. I've been lying about my past.
You see, I was my boyfriend's first and he thinks that he's my first too. He always asks and he's quite proud about it......... So everytime he asks, I say "of course". But that's not the truth. But I was not a virgin when I met him. I was with one other guy before dating him.
I'm afraid of telling my current boyfriend. I'm scared of how it will affect our relationship and his school work. He's the type of person that will let things like this affect EVERYTHING.
I don't want to lie to him. He says he accepts every thing I've done before I met him. He says it doesn't matter what I did in the past. He says he'll forgive all my faults in the past.......... But he has never suspected this.
What do you think guys? Should I tell him? Or does the past really matter? It's not like I did something bad...... Just a little lie right? It's not like I cheated on him........ =/
You see, I was my boyfriend's first and he thinks that he's my first too. He always asks and he's quite proud about it......... So everytime he asks, I say "of course". But that's not the truth. But I was not a virgin when I met him. I was with one other guy before dating him.
I'm afraid of telling my current boyfriend. I'm scared of how it will affect our relationship and his school work. He's the type of person that will let things like this affect EVERYTHING.
I don't want to lie to him. He says he accepts every thing I've done before I met him. He says it doesn't matter what I did in the past. He says he'll forgive all my faults in the past.......... But he has never suspected this.
What do you think guys? Should I tell him? Or does the past really matter? It's not like I did something bad...... Just a little lie right? It's not like I cheated on him........ =/
Comments
but the first thought that came across my mind when i read this, was no..don't tell him..
so i guess i'll stick with that.
i'm usually one to be doing the "right" thing--telling the truth..
but if the truth about this small detail about yourself is going to hurt him so much, why cause this pain?
is the "right" thing to do to tell him the truth, and is it "wrong" to keep him happy?
but what about you? are you aching to tell him this? you probably are, since you posted on here, so...do you think telling him will make you feel better...sorta like cleansing your conscience?
i wish i could give you a definitive answer, but these things are so subjective. yeah, we all have our moral duties...but in either scenario, you must sacrifice your happiness or his...
if the guilty conscience is eating u up now, its just gonna get worse down the road
just be prepared for it tho, he might not take it well
i just think if u tell him now, at least u can try and resolve it and move on and build on somethin new, rather than have it linger and be on ur mind
argee with imelting here. otherwise i wouldn't tell him. obviously he won't take it well because it's so insecure that he has to always ask whether he's really your first and so on. and typically if you are really his first chances are that he won't be able to handle drama from a relationship well. so in other words "what he doesn't know won't hurt him"..... unless of course some mutual friend or someone that knows of your pass might leak it out.............
If you still want to be with him, make that very clear when you tell him. Tell him that the only reason you are coming clean now is because you don't want this to be something that will ruin your relationship down the road.
Good luck!
on a side note.. trust is no doubt an important factor in a relationship... and if you feel guilty.. that's an indication saying that you should tell... he also has the right to know.. but you can always choose to ignore the guilt.. most people do.. just don't let it eat you away if you decide to do so...
a lie for good is still just a lie. And a lie hurts.
You don't have to say that you are not virgin. Just say that you had boyfriends before him, and I guess he is smart enough to know.
BTW, does it really matter whether you are a virgin or not? If he cares that too much, I don't think he loves you that much.
I know what I have to do now. I'm gonna tell him. He tells me he loves me for what I am today, not what I did in the past. So... hopefully he'll remember that when I tell him.
I've decided to tell him in April when the semester is over so it doesn't affect his school work. Plus, we won't see achother until April anyways since he is on exchange. I want to do it face to face. Not over the phone or on MSN.
It was wrong of me to hide this from him. But we went through so much until we could finally date. There were so many difficulties that prevented us for dating for two years. Then we finally got together and I didn't want to ruin what we had....
I feel really guilty about it. So guilty. and yeah, the guilt is already eating at me. I cry very often whenever I think of the wrong I've done. I do love him a lot and I do see a future in us. He does too.. but hopefully he still does after this. If he can still accept who I am today, I will be very thankful.
Thanks again everyone.
its not your fault
i somewhat think you can't dig too much into a person's past.. people have secrets.. dark secrets that they don't want to share with their closest people.. and i think that should be respected.. sometimes.. digging too much would actually raise a lot of doubt and insecurities that can jeopardize the relationship.. and was it worth doing so? it's debatable.. yet in my opinion it's something that can/should be avoided.. less digging means less to worry about.. we've already got lots to worry about.. life.. work.. school... sense of identity.. etc.. and the last thing we need is to add one more thing to that list..=)
my 2 cents back to you..
I'm just afraid to tell him because I'm afraid of how hurt he will be and that this might push his limit and that he might not be able to forgive me anymore.
First of all, he said he loves what you are, and doesn't care about the past. That's very good. But having a boyfriend before is NOT a mistake!! Not being a virgin is NOT a mistake. They are so normal as we're humans. rite?
Second, I agree with siuying that everyone has the past. He doesn't need to dig every little detail. That's not the way it is. Keeping your past and lying to him are totally different. You need to be honest with him, but he needs to respect you and your privacy too.
Third, don't be too worried and hash to yourself. You didn't do anything wrong before. The only mistake is that you hided the past for the purpose of LOVE. And if he does love you as what he said, he will understand you and accept you. (Let's don't use the word "forgive", OK?)
Being in a relationship is more about now and the future. Just be sincere and kawaii to him, and see how things turn out. Good luck.
If its really bugging you, then tell him. Otherwise, dont bother. Sometimes honesty just hurts people and that might hurt him if you tell him.
And your boyfriend taking the fact that he wasn't your first is somewhat your fault. Like you said, every time he asked you, you said he was your first. This is kind of a repeated compliment.
It's like him telling you that you're the most beautiful girl he's ever seen, and then suddenly one day he says you're not that pretty. It'll be a shock. It's not about what you lied about, it's about the fact that you lied.
But whatever. It's something you have to take care of if you value your relationship at all. You can leave it as it is and hope he never realises that you had been lying, but I doubt you'd last long that way.