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Give Up?
I'm usually not one to ask a forum a serious question about my life--but it seems like some different perspectives would really help out with what's going right now. Plus the SFU forum is ever-so-helpful...
So I've been with my boyfriend from California for five years now. We met in 2004. Back then, we both thought a long distance relationship was ridiculous. We were both optimistic though, and were convinced that either one of us would be able to relocate to the other person's location soon enough.
And now five years has passed by and neither of us are close to that goal. About two years ago we've both already decided that he should be the one to move up here at all costs because the economy is not as bad in B.C. as it is in California. Plus, he had added on his part, he no longer wanted to be in San Diego--if he wasn't moving to be with me, he would be moving somewhere else.
So since then, I've put in time and effort to research immigration to Canada from the US. All that I've found out is that it is near impossible during a time like this where Canadian jobs are already difficult enough to give to a Canadian, much less an American. Our only option was visa through marriage.
That seemed like a good option for a while, except I made the mistake of losing my job here. With neither of us pulling in any money (he lost a job a while ago), there was no way no how that any of our plans was going to happen.
And after I've had time to think about it, I also didn't want to rush into a marriage for reasons other than I want to. Granted, we've been together for five years--but I did not feel ready.
So back to now. We've both been toying with the option of just giving up. We've both have had a tiring experience with it. And in general, I am tired of pushing him. He has a problem with laziness and depression (set on by losing his job). I've explained time and again that it's not his fault that the economy is just that bad, but none the less, he still took losing his job pretty hard. Since then he's just lost faith in anything he could do to make things better for himself, and all he does is play video games all day. Sure, he's been looking for a job, but not nearly as much as he could be.
Anyway, if I go into all our problems, it's going to turn into a long essay of bore. So here is the question--I know what the logical thing is to do in this situation, give up. But should I do it?
I used to want to believe that "love can overcome anything," but that hasn't worked out for me so well. Love obviously can't battle depression and general laziness.
Funny thing is that I always thought I would have ditched him right when he lost his job, or been a cruel bitch about it and nag him all the time. Surprisingly, I didn't do either of those things. Now I wonder if I should have and whether that was what he needed to actually get something done.
So.......thoughts?
So I've been with my boyfriend from California for five years now. We met in 2004. Back then, we both thought a long distance relationship was ridiculous. We were both optimistic though, and were convinced that either one of us would be able to relocate to the other person's location soon enough.
And now five years has passed by and neither of us are close to that goal. About two years ago we've both already decided that he should be the one to move up here at all costs because the economy is not as bad in B.C. as it is in California. Plus, he had added on his part, he no longer wanted to be in San Diego--if he wasn't moving to be with me, he would be moving somewhere else.
So since then, I've put in time and effort to research immigration to Canada from the US. All that I've found out is that it is near impossible during a time like this where Canadian jobs are already difficult enough to give to a Canadian, much less an American. Our only option was visa through marriage.
That seemed like a good option for a while, except I made the mistake of losing my job here. With neither of us pulling in any money (he lost a job a while ago), there was no way no how that any of our plans was going to happen.
And after I've had time to think about it, I also didn't want to rush into a marriage for reasons other than I want to. Granted, we've been together for five years--but I did not feel ready.
So back to now. We've both been toying with the option of just giving up. We've both have had a tiring experience with it. And in general, I am tired of pushing him. He has a problem with laziness and depression (set on by losing his job). I've explained time and again that it's not his fault that the economy is just that bad, but none the less, he still took losing his job pretty hard. Since then he's just lost faith in anything he could do to make things better for himself, and all he does is play video games all day. Sure, he's been looking for a job, but not nearly as much as he could be.
Anyway, if I go into all our problems, it's going to turn into a long essay of bore. So here is the question--I know what the logical thing is to do in this situation, give up. But should I do it?
I used to want to believe that "love can overcome anything," but that hasn't worked out for me so well. Love obviously can't battle depression and general laziness.
Funny thing is that I always thought I would have ditched him right when he lost his job, or been a cruel bitch about it and nag him all the time. Surprisingly, I didn't do either of those things. Now I wonder if I should have and whether that was what he needed to actually get something done.
So.......thoughts?
Comments
My two cents. I'm pretty broke right now, so two cents are all I have. Besides this isn't my forte.
If otherwise, I wouldn't be having such a hard time.
Suffice it to say, neither were ready to give up what they thought they needed to do. Eventually, she broke it off with him and now he wont return her emails.
Her only regret is not maintaining the friendship, but that did help her get over it faster. In your case it will most likely be easier to maintain the friendship, if, you guys mutually agree to end things.
On a more positive note, the economy is turing around and if you can stick it out another year he might be able to get permanent residency here, assuming you have a job and he an education or job experience that can be put to use(it helps). My Dad just got his fiance from Venezuela here with permanent residency a few months ago.
It wasn't your responsibility to 'nag' time, so I think it was a good thing you didn't (even if you're somewhat regretting it now?) I would have done the same thing I think -- supportive, etc. From what I can tell, you've worked hard to help him out.
With my personality, I would hang in there and keep trying. But that's the type of person I am, and since I don't know you all that well, I can't really offer suggestions. But if it were me and I clearly loved him, I would keep going!
I could wait 5, or 10 years, if that is what it cost us to finally be together. But at the current time, there is no guarantee from him. I'm still optimistic, I can pull my share of the load (finish my degree, get a job), but right now, I don't think he can pull his. If he were here already, I would be able to get him through this "down time" because I've got enough optimism for something like that--but he's not here. I understand what you mean. I want to keep going--but only if he is able to turn his head around. I can only pep talk someone for so long. And this situation would be different with him here because at least I can do as much as I can to help him through whatever he is going through. His depression is pretty much preventing us from advancing towards our goal, and it makes it all the harder to do because I do care about him that much.
I don't see a future with the person he is now--so defeated and unwilling to try.
Which is why the logical answer is to give up.
my 0.02:
i don't understand why people are so damn soft. i'll admit i used to be in a relationship some years ago that had similar traits and i served a role of constant morale boosting and pep talking to cheer the person up. all that i learned was that its a fuckn waste of time
long distance realtionships on their own have many more challenges, so i applaud u for keeping it going for so long. how often u guys see each other if u dont mind me asking?
i dont understand why people do long distance relationships, do u really think u cant find great people locally? heck with todays population how can u think or settle for something thats clearly problematic?
You're not being rude or mean. I appreciate your honest opinion.
We saw each other about 3 times a year, about two weeks to a month each time.
LOL and I got into a long distance relationship because I felt it was a safer bet. And we did make it work up until he lost his job. So long distance was a problem we were going to overcome.
I'm someone who has no big issues with long distance relationships. I've never had a relationship here. It's not that I can't find anyone locally--it's more that it's difficult to find anyone locally that I liked as much.
sidebar: were you at fish on rice for lunch today?
hmm i dont understand how you could think its a safer bet lol maybe i missunderstand ur interpretation of safer bet but i would think long distance is less secure as the person could cheat without you ever finding out lol
that brings me to my next point... how do u pplz do it! 3times a year x3 months is very lil lovin =p
i guess at the end of the day its probably impossible to find a partner with whom you can get along perfectly with, so it comes down to tolerating some ones shit now, or replacing them till you find someone who's bs is less of an issue
LOL and I wasn't at any place for lunch today.
@ Bufli, I knoooooooooow. It is definitely very little sex.
@ Justin Credible, if love was enough to get him motivated and start doing something with his life again, then sure, I would wait.
@ Lazy, I slept with someone once when we were broken up (does that count?) and he has cheated on me once when we were together.
Or the girl I saw today has an evil twin...
I think you should ask yourself if you still truly love him since
1. it’s a long distance relationship
2. it’s been 5 years; passion should be worn out by now
3. he cheated on you once; it leads to an assumption: once a cheater, always a cheater
4. he’s unemployed and unwilling to find a job
If your answer is positive, you should not give up because your love could be considered the unconditional love, which is rare.
If you hesitate, even slightly, before answering the question, you might need to ask if you are either the type of gal who likes to rescue
Or
By holding onto it, you don’t need to face you made a bad “investment”. In other words, you don’t love him anymore.
now back on topic.. to be honest i wouldn't have even thought about getting married if i were in your shoes (all marriage phobias aside) because you're still in school and he's jobless.. i think there needs to be some sort of financial stability intact before considering marriage.. because let's face it.. you need to spend $$ to get married and to support the lifestyle.. i've asked some of my friends who are currently married or were married at some point (these are ppl in their 30's and early 40's btw) and they all agreed that supporting the lifestyle of being single is much easier than the lifestyle of a married couple..
now have you considered the idea of cohabiting or even common-law? because it does fulfill certain aspects that result from marriage.. you could do that until both of you are ready (financially and mentally) for marriage... now before you consider these options.. please think about these ones first: okay, so you're not ready for marriage.. is it purely a personal problem or is the readiness more or less involved with your boyfriend? those are not very good traits to find in a man you want as a husband.. he needs to set his priorities straight because marriage isn't a game of trial and error.. i understand the economy is bad and he's jobless but if this kind of setback (a minor one imo) makes him lose faith and virtually gives up on himself.. think about what happens if you guys come across greater obstacles.. they are going to pop up because living with another person is not easy.. if he isn't keen on getting back on his feet then i don't think he's not vesting as much on the idea of marriage as you are.. and getting married (to someone like such) is going to be a problem..
and it certainly can't bring food to the table or income to the household (otherwise we'd all be that much better off wouldn't we? =D) it's one thing to praise the power of love and a complete other to have reality biting your rear for a wrong decision.. the unfortunate thing is the former can't defeat the latter..
i would say ditch.. simply because i fail to see him possess any redeeming qualities that would make him a good husband and the fact that things would be much easier if you just gave up (taking the easy way out i know, but practical no?).. it makes sense to follow through with the logical decision because well... it's logical? lol.. but like some people say.. since when has love been logical... ultimately.. it comes down to how much he means to you..=)
so yeah.. give yourself some time to think about these questions.. and time for him to search for a job.. also keep an eye on the economy because people are speculating that it's going to get back up and running soon..
I'd give him some more time and honestly talk to him about finding a fucking job. Perhaps urge strongly (NOT an ultimatum) that if unemployment were to continue (on both sides) for a long time.....this relationship would be EXTREMELY hard to maintain.
OK, that's the "nice" way to tell him and you hope he get's your message. What's the message? "Get off your ass and find a job in order to keep this relationship going". It's as a simple as that.
I'd give him some time though. If he plays his cards right, he'll be AT LEAST visibly working harder to find a job.
i know people my age (22-23) that other then school/work all they do is play games. the funny part is they realize their sad and have no lives but they use every lil shit that comes across as justification for their addiction.
i dont wanna judge this guy but i cant comprehend how someone could be so friken depressed over a job... its not like it was the best job in the world nor the best he could do for himself
im harder on myself then i am on other ppl so i dont really care
It was rejection after rejection. Pretty much sucked to be him.
We talked about it last night, and the conclusion was pretty much to lay off moving for another year. We both need to be in a better place individually for anything else to happen. So we're pretty much going to take a break from HOLY SHIT LET'S HURRY UP AND BE TOGETHER and just take it easy for a while. I also spoke to him about his depression once again and this time he was actually mature about it--which is good.
Thanks for all the advice and opinions! It really did help me!
Is he gonna stop playing video games and work harder now? haha