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Am I being unfair?
My boyfriend and I have been living together for 5 years. I moved to Calgary for an 8-month co-op job in January. My boyfriend decided to move with me. He was registered for a course at VCC in Feb, and decided not to go so he could come with me (even though I told him he should stay to finish his course, as it was only one month long). He was not working at the time I accepted the offer in Calgary, as he had recently been laid off. So anyways, my co-op term is over at the end of August and I want to move back to BC to finish my degree.
Since moving here, my bf has gotten a job (and his vehicle inspector's license) that he really likes. I suggested that he either
1. Quit his job and come back to BC with me OR
2. He stay in Alberta, so he can continue with his job, and I will come visit him approx. once a month. Once my degree is done (3 semesters left), I would move back to Calgary.
He thinks both of these options are totally unfair because it was my idea to move to Calgary, and that I should stay in Calgary with him for at least another 6 months so that he can continue with his job. What do you guys think? Am I being unreasonable?
Since moving here, my bf has gotten a job (and his vehicle inspector's license) that he really likes. I suggested that he either
1. Quit his job and come back to BC with me OR
2. He stay in Alberta, so he can continue with his job, and I will come visit him approx. once a month. Once my degree is done (3 semesters left), I would move back to Calgary.
He thinks both of these options are totally unfair because it was my idea to move to Calgary, and that I should stay in Calgary with him for at least another 6 months so that he can continue with his job. What do you guys think? Am I being unreasonable?
Comments
It sounds like it would be hard for you to be apart for 6 months/ one year, especially if you've been living together for 5. I approach relationships differently though, where I do my own thing and I'm pretty independent...in which case I would consider it to be a pretty good opportunity for you to really solidify and figure things out!
I know it would not be easy for us to be apart for a year...but it wouldn't be a full year because I would come to Calgary for long weekends and semester breaks. Also, I think it might be worth the sacrifice in the long term.
Also, what does he expect you to do in Calgary for 6 months without a co-op term? As well, doesn't this put up your graduation?
Perhaps you can talk to him about it in a more reasonable way--let him see the good side of it.
He can be feeling that it is unfair because he up'ed and moved to Calgary with you and now you are wanting to move back after he's got a job. Granted, he had lost his job at the time of the move, but still, to him it probably felt like a pretty big sacrifice to make on his part.
But either way... I don't think there is "fair" or "unfair" in relationships. There is only his way and your way. What you need is a compromise--and if one of you (him) doesn't see that, then you need to put it in such a way that he can.
What does he want? I'm with Lixie on this, he knows what you want (and thinks it's unreasonable)...what are his wants? Somewhere in between usually solves the problem...
His logic with the 6 months thing is that by then he will have completed more hours for his apprenticeship.
I don't think he is being unreasonable either, I just really don't want to sit around and do nothing (and freeze my ass off) for 4 months and waste time.
I would probably compromise and stay maybe 2 or 3 months and then come back here and register for the Spring term. This way you both get something out of the deal. You dont get held up too much and you dont have to endure an Alberta winter. He gets some time with you while working on his apprenticeship.
It seems like things are always all or nothing for him. You are not being unreasonable, choice B sounds fine.
I mean, you moved there just for co-op, and it's natural for you to move BACK since you still have school. If that was your sole reason of being in Calgary, there's no point in staying. He knew you weren't intending to stay in Calgary, so why would he get a permanent job there?
Anyhow, OP, if you don't want to stay in Calgary, don't stay in Calgary. Sure, he made a big sacrifice moving with you--but it was a sacrifice willingly made. You have no obligation to put off your life for 6 months if you don't feel like it. So, communicate with him about it--but under no circumstances are you to say that he is unfair, neither can you devalue his feelings, that's how a fight starts.
Let him know you understand why he feels that he needs to stay in Calgary for the time being, and let him know that you understand how important it is to him. But also let him know that finishing your degree as soon as possible is very important to you. Explain to him the option of a long distance relationship--when you guys really love each other (which I assume so), then six months is NOTHING. Not to mention that you guys will just be a province apart.
Draw the line somewhere for him, and let him know that line is as far as you can go for a compromise and that's that. If he still does not agree, ask him to come up with his version of a good compromise where YOUR goals aren't being held back. If he can't, then he will have to agree with yours.
Like Justin said...it aint gonna be easy, i've been there as well..and you've totally gotta work hard to make it work! My gf and i talked on Skype a whole lot when i was in Halifax....and it's a 4hr time difference...it'd be 3AM every night for me we chatted :)
It's do-able! Best of luck!