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Love Work Dilemma

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Comments

  • edited June 2009
    That sounds more like gossiping to me, why would you say anything unless you suspect cheating or bad intentions?

    Maybe you've never been in the situation, and you can't empathize with how you're going to make your friend feel telling them something vague like that.

    I'd refer to what lixie said in her last post.

    Trust me, the feeling will not be good when you tell someone something like that and it eats away at them, cause now THEY have to go find out or keep it inside, because of a vague bit of information you're giving them.
  • edited June 2009
    people have their preferences.. so i guess it's up to justin to decide how his girl buddy is gonna take it if he is to break the news to her.. or not..

    but if i were in her shoes.. i would want him to tell me like it is.. whether it's the truth or not that's not his concern anymore.. because i will be the one to find out what it is.. his job is to be honest and truthful to me.. like a good friend should be or what i expect from my good friend..

    call me sadistic.. but i don't like being kept in the shadows even though people may think it's for my own good or that it will eat me up inside.. that's for me to decide and for me to deal with.. no one else..
  • edited June 2009
    randomuser;55696 said:
    That sounds more like gossiping to me, why would you say anything unless you suspect cheating or bad intentions?

    Maybe you've never been in the situation, and you can't empathize with how you're going to make your friend feel telling them something vague like that.

    I'd refer to what lixie said in her last post.

    Trust me, the feeling will not be good when you tell someone something like that and it eats away at them, cause now THEY have to go find out or keep it inside, because of a vague bit of information you're giving them.
    Gossip is quoting hearsay, what I said to say isnt hearsay. You obviously have a different definition of friendship than I do.

    I expect my friends to tell me stuff like that then I can decide how I deal with it. My friends know that I wont take the wrong way... that is called trust and
    its something a real friendship should have. I expect my friends tell me stuff cause they are looking out for me and not themselves. Even if I think what they are saying isnt what I want to hear it still founded on the basis that they are looking out for me. This isnt really that complicated, and honestly the only time this becomes a problem is the person is a) insecure about themselves b) unable to trust others c) dont know how to have those kind of friendships

    So what, your telling me if two good friends get together and one tells the other what he saw that day that that is GOSSIP or somehow wrong???

    I agree it is gossip if it goes beyond observation but anything less is pure observation and warrants discussion.
  • edited June 2009
    siuying;55697 said:
    people have their preferences.. so i guess it's up to justin to decide how his girl buddy is gonna take it if he is to break the news to her.. or not..

    but if i were in her shoes.. i would want him to tell me like it is.. whether it's the truth or not that's not his concern anymore.. because i will be the one to find out what it is.. his job is to be honest and truthful to me.. like a good friend should be or what i expect from my good friend..

    call me sadistic.. but i don't like being kept in the shadows even though people may think it's for my own good or that it will eat me up inside.. that's for me to decide and for me to deal with.. no one else..
    This is more inline with how I think.

    There is no way to prove one way is better than another, however.

    Randomuser, you think a certain way and it dictates your opinions, fine. I think differently, hence, I have different opinions. I have also been in Justins situation a few times before as that friend and I have always told my friends stuff like that and they have always respected me for it(Ive always ended up being thanked in the end). You may not do that and your friends may be OK with that.

    Lifes too short.
  • edited June 2009
    justinbh2;55700 said:
    I have also been in Justins situation a few times before as that friend and I have always told my friends stuff like that and they have always respected me for it(Ive always ended up being thanked in the end). You may not do that and your friends may be OK with that.

    Lifes too short.

    That's hard to believe, since there can't be that many mature people in the world. People who actually thank their friends for "looking out" for them.

    And just because others have different opinions when it comes to friendships, it doesn't mean they are a "bad" friend. Maybe you are the only person in this thread who has mature friends, maybe the rest of us has to deal with babies who we have to be careful around.

    You said you've been in Justin's situation a few times before--but have you ever been in the situation where your boyfriend/girlfriend is cheating on you and you had to find out from a friend?

    Each situation is different. Depending on whether you are dating a guy or whether you are about to marry the guy. Say you saw you best friend's fiance behaving in a cheating manner, would you tell?

    Friendships and relationships are not black and white. We're not in elementary school, where lying is always wrong. When you're out here in the real world, not ALL of your friends will be the mature type who knows what's what.

    I have been in that situation before. If you tell your best friend what's what in YOUR perspective without hearing out the guy first, or persuading the guy to tell her--you destroy your best friend trust forever. Now she will have a difficult time trusting another boyfriend.

    When I found out, the one thing I was most angry about was that I had to hear from a friend. Then when I confronted my boyfriend, the circumstances were a lot different. I was able to hear his side of it--and what made him cheat. Now even though he said, "I was going to tell you" at so and so time, I can no longer believe him--because he was never given the chance to prove that he felt guilty and that he was going to rectify it. Because my friend beat him to the punch, by gossip.

    So in situations like those, sometimes you cause needless anger and hurt--because you are not the boyfriend, you don't know what's going on at the time.

    I have seen countless relationships that could have worked out ruined by gossip. What is gossip? Anything that didn't directly happen to you. If you SAW something happen--that is still your perspective. Can you say you were there for the entire day and saw the incident in its ENTIRETY? NO.

    Yes, friends watch out for each other. I tell my good friends that they are being idiots when they are being idiots. I help them with school shit at subjects I might know more about. I give them advice WHEN THEY ASK. I ask them to call me when we part ways after a party so I can make sure they got home safely. All this, they do the same for me.

    And most of my friends know I don't like gossip, at least not the type that can ruin friendships and relationships. If they want to know something, they ask me--then I have the responsibility to tell them what I know, or saw. But I usually make sure that they know that this is only MY PERSPECTIVE.

    The biggest problem with people is that they all say, "I tell the truth" without understanding what Truth is. Like the five blind men and the elephants, each person can only say, "I tell the truth IN MY PERSPECTIVE." No single person's "truth" is ever what really happened.

    And I'm not saying you are "forcing" your perspective on your friend when you tell them stuff that you saw--but switch spots with your friend. You hear one thing about cheating from your friend first about your girlfriend, and then you hear it from your girlfriend--who are you going to believe? Even if you believe your girlfriend first, the seed of doubt was already planted right when your friend told you about the incident.

    So really, "watching out" for each other means literally WATCHING. Not interfering unless it's required. Your friends aren't children, expecting you to tell them to avoid this danger and that danger. Have some faith.

    It is a lot easier for a friend to tattle than for a boyfriend/girlfriend to confess. You are not in their relationship--how well do you know the boyfriend/girlfriend and how do you know that they are not about to break things off or confess?

    So if you want to help, talk to the guy, tell him he shouldn't be cheating, and let him know that you will be watching. The guy will be compelled to confess sooner than you can tattle. THAT is what helping is... letting the person who was actually there for ALL OF THE INCIDENT come clean with what happened. Even if they are liars--lies don't last forever.
  • edited June 2009
    Lixie;55702 said:
    That's hard to believe, since there can't be that many mature people in the world. People who actually thank their friends for "looking out" for them.

    And just because others have different opinions when it comes to friendships, it doesn't mean they are a "bad" friend. Maybe you are the only person in this thread who has mature friends, maybe the rest of us has to deal with babies who we have to be careful around.

    You said you've been in Justin's situation a few times before--but have you ever been in the situation where your boyfriend/girlfriend is cheating on you and you had to find out from a friend?

    Each situation is different. Depending on whether you are dating a guy or whether you are about to marry the guy. Say you saw you best friend's fiance behaving in a cheating manner, would you tell?

    Friendships and relationships are not black and white. We're not in elementary school, where lying is always wrong. When you're out here in the real world, not ALL of your friends will be the mature type who knows what's what.

    I have been in that situation before. If you tell your best friend what's what in YOUR perspective without hearing out the guy first, or persuading the guy to tell her--you destroy your best friend trust forever. Now she will have a difficult time trusting another boyfriend.

    When I found out, the one thing I was most angry about was that I had to hear from a friend. Then when I confronted my boyfriend, the circumstances were a lot different. I was able to hear his side of it--and what made him cheat. Now even though he said, "I was going to tell you" at so and so time, I can no longer believe him--because he was never given the chance to prove that he felt guilty and that he was going to rectify it. Because my friend beat him to the punch, by gossip.

    So in situations like those, sometimes you cause needless anger and hurt--because you are not the boyfriend, you don't know what's going on at the time.

    I have seen countless relationships that could have worked out ruined by gossip. What is gossip? Anything that didn't directly happen to you. If you SAW something happen--that is still your perspective. Can you say you were there for the entire day and saw the incident in its ENTIRETY? NO.

    Yes, friends watch out for each other. I tell my good friends that they are being idiots when they are being idiots. I help them with school shit at subjects I might know more about. I give them advice WHEN THEY ASK. I ask them to call me when we part ways after a party so I can make sure they got home safely. All this, they do the same for me.

    And most of my friends know I don't like gossip, at least not the type that can ruin friendships and relationships. If they want to know something, they ask me--then I have the responsibility to tell them what I know, or saw. But I usually make sure that they know that this is only MY PERSPECTIVE.

    The biggest problem with people is that they all say, "I tell the truth" without understanding what Truth is. Like the five blind men and the elephants, each person can only say, "I tell the truth IN MY PERSPECTIVE." No single person's "truth" is ever what really happened.

    And I'm not saying you are "forcing" your perspective on your friend when you tell them stuff that you saw--but switch spots with your friend. You hear one thing about cheating from your friend first about your girlfriend, and then you hear it from your girlfriend--who are you going to believe? Even if you believe your girlfriend first, the seed of doubt was already planted right when your friend told you about the incident.

    So really, "watching out" for each other means literally WATCHING. Not interfering unless it's required. Your friends aren't children, expecting you to tell them to avoid this danger and that danger. Have some faith.

    It is a lot easier for a friend to tattle than for a boyfriend/girlfriend to confess. You are not in their relationship--how well do you know the boyfriend/girlfriend and how do you know that they are not about to break things off or confess?

    So if you want to help, talk to the guy, tell him he shouldn't be cheating, and let him know that you will be watching. The guy will be compelled to confess sooner than you can tattle. THAT is what helping is... letting the person who was actually there for ALL OF THE INCIDENT come clean with what happened. Even if they are liars--lies don't last forever.

    "but have you ever been in the situation where your boyfriend/girlfriend is cheating on you and you had to find out from a friend? "

    yes, and my friend told me after the fact and she should have told me before.

    It would have saved me 1 years worth of trouble(she did like 10 guys or something while with me, kinda scandalous).

    Also, my friends are mature and some I have known for quite some time. Also, Justin now has enough external information from us to make this decision I believe.

    I simply just dont agree with you.
  • edited June 2009
    Are you still in high school?
  • edited June 2009
    JayDub;55705 said:
    Are you still in high school?
    no, i work as a software developer for a company fairly close to sfu actually.
  • edited June 2009
    No... the OP.
  • edited June 2009
    ah, i see
  • edited June 2009
    JayDub;55705 said:
    Are you still in high school?
    My thoughts exactly.
  • edited June 2009
    If he's not in high school, the girl must be. Plus it seems odd that the other guy asked the girl out, but nothing else seems to have developed since then. Did he just ask her out, but not bother setting a date?

    As others have said, this guy has no obligation to your friend if they aren't dating (which seems that way), so it really doesn't matter too much if you tell her or not. There's no real harm in telling her. If she freaks out at you, well then it just shows she's immature and stupid. If you guys trust each other that much, tell her what you saw
  • edited June 2009
    justinbh2;55704 said:

    I simply just dont agree with you.
    Meh, your prerogative.

    I'm not sure if I made this clear enough, but in the beginning of my post I did say something akin to each their own.

    And 'maturity' is all perspective... Personally, I don't think mature people gossip. And as I said, I have my own definition of gossip.

    But it's really difficult to convince most people that tattling is more mature than giving the wrong-doer a stern warning (my approach). Because com'on... kids tattle.

    But again, YOUR PREROGATIVE.
  • edited June 2009
    Lixie;55727 said:
    Meh, your prerogative.



    But again, YOUR PREROGATIVE.
    It really only needs to be said once.

    EDIT: Its been fun, this debate, however, my original intention was only to help somebody. I now have been sucked in, so I will suck myself out now.
  • edited June 2009
    justinbh2;55744 said:
    It really only needs to be said once.

    I will suck myself out now.
    Perv.
  • edited June 2009
    randomuser;55751 said:
    Perv.
    lol, out of context, but you got me there :)
  • edited June 2009
    Good advice.

    I worked today and i asked him what it was all about.
    He simply said that he was seeing the girl from work whom i saw him with and that they were going out regularly.
    I asked oh.. congrats so what do you plan on doing now that you're off the market for singles?
    He said " I'm not off the market man... i play these girls.They come to me and i simply am there to enjoy all of them. Screw having one gf like you and the rest of the taken guys but i'm being different. I pretend to be interested in them and ask these girls out simultaneously and they think i'm only seeing them. Talk about a real ladies man. It's like having and eating the cake at the same time. Except these girls are naive enoughto think i'm only in it for them.

    ...I know that doesn't imply anything whether he's "just dating" but if that's his attitude towards girls. I don't think my friend deserves a guy who will treat her like that. I mean it's like he's playing them with no regards to their feelings. I mean sure her crush on him is like a big deal for her but i think she deserves better. I hate to be the one to tell her though since this guy is like her first ever crush/ love.

    Like today after i aksed him about 2 hours later she came into the store with one of her friends and when she saw me working she beamed and smiled and yelled out hi to me. We talked and she immediately asked me if he was working today. I immediately smiled when i saw her since i was still kinda peeved at what he said earlier and of the bad day i was having up to then. Once i saw her though i smiled and it made my day a bit better. She was so happy to see me that i didn't want to be the bearer of bad news by telling her what i discovered in our conversation.

    Sure enough now i'm at home still wondering what to do. Is it worth breaking her heart and being a good friend or am i just not seeing this situation clearly enough? I mean what if i turn out to be wrong and i tell her? She might think i'm a bad friend for trying to ruin her chances with the guy who asked her out.
  • edited June 2009
    well there's your confirmation that he's a d-bag.. i'd say break it to her.. better be the bearer of bad news than watch your good friend walk right into a doomed relationship even though she really enjoys doing it.. because good friends wouldn't let good friends do such a thing.. unless she doesn't mind a guy with such attitude.. which is fine cause i know some girls can take it.. =S
  • edited June 2009
    hmm guess i have no other choice
  • edited June 2009
    The answer should be more obvious now that you actually spoke to him (although what you said sounds really hard to believe to be honest, unless the guy is that much of a douche bag then it is believable).

    Was it really that hard to just ask him like I said in the first place? I think you should just tell her hes not looking to settle down, and keep his business to yourself, unless she specifically asks about how you know this.

    Sounds like she has a raging boner for you anyway.
  • edited June 2009
    randomuser;55757 said:
    The answer should be more obvious now that you actually spoke to him (although what you said sounds really hard to believe to be honest, unless the guy is that much of a douche bag then it is believable).

    Was it really that hard to just ask him like I said in the first place? I think you should just tell her hes not looking to settle down, and keep his business to yourself, unless she specifically asks about how you know this.

    Sounds like she has a raging boner for you anyway.
    well that's what he said no joke. I know it's hard to believe but he and i get along well so we seem to joke around a lot about stuff. We always talk when were at work so that's the thing though he's such a joker i don't know if he's being serious or not.

    I hate to give wrong information to my friend when it might not even be true.

    Besides, doesn't matter she and i are JUST FRIENDS. We happen to be very very good friends but that's about how far it'll go. She has a crush and i have a wonderful girlfriend. Just ain't gonna work.
  • edited June 2009
    If you know she has a crush on you I don't think you're being that fair to her, shes going to misconstrue anything you tell her, to think you like her or you're jealous.
  • edited June 2009
    that's the thing... she only considers us as friends. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a crush on me cause she knows i'm taken, but yeah i see your point. Thanks :)
  • edited June 2009
    Justin Credible;55754 said:
    Good advice.

    I worked today and i asked him what it was all about.
    He simply said that he was seeing the girl from work whom i saw him with and that they were going out regularly.
    I asked oh.. congrats so what do you plan on doing now that you're off the market for singles?
    He said " I'm not off the market man... i play these girls.They come to me and i simply am there to enjoy all of them. Screw having one gf like you and the rest of the taken guys but i'm being different. I pretend to be interested in them and ask these girls out simultaneously and they think i'm only seeing them. Talk about a real ladies man. It's like having and eating the cake at the same time. Except these girls are naive enoughto think i'm only in it for them.

    LOL. Seriously LOL. I find it very hard to believe that a character like that would exist... someone who'd actually accuse himself of being a useless player. The quote sounds like it's from a bad movie, though... I hope you're not aspiring to become a screen writer or a novelist... because this is just too.... LUL.

    Another reason why I find it hard to believe is that if you and the girl are so friendly at work--I'm sure this CHARACTER of a guy has noticed that too. Why would he openly admit he is playing your best friend? Unless he is half retard.

    BUT, in the case that you ARE serious and that this person is REAL. You should have LOL'ED in his face and said, "are you for real?" Because no one in real life talks like that, unless they are actually half-retard. I always see these people on the bus having animated conversations like in a movie... then when I get to see their face, they either have Downs or they are half retard.

    But to humor your little drama, tell him to put his half retard head where the sun don't shine and if he doesn't stop playing with your best bud, you'll show him the door.

    God, your life is too LOL. How much time do you spend each day going over dramas like these??
  • edited June 2009
    lol trust me.. i'm as serious as i can be.He actually said this and at first i was amazed that he would so openly admit this out there considering the fact that he knows how close we are but if this keeps up i'm going to confront him about it and tell him to stick his game somewhere else. I know it seems stupid considering how people are thses days but there's a reason why he's so immature and treats girls the way he does and it's not because he's retarded. It's just he is still a inconsiderate player who has no maturity in these kinds of situations.
  • edited June 2009
    Lixie;55767 said:
    LOL. Seriously LOL. I find it very hard to believe that a character like that would exist... someone who'd actually accuse himself of being a useless player.
    I wouldn't be so sure...you have to be pretty naive to believe that.
    A majority of guys I know wouldn't have second thoughts before playing two girls at once, cheating on their girlfriends, and the list goes on....

    Maybe your train of thought is why it's so easy to play some girls. :P
  • edited June 2009
    lazyGUY;55781 said:
    I wouldn't be so sure...you have to be pretty naive to believe that.
    A majority of guys I know wouldn't have second thoughts before playing two girls at once, cheating on their girlfriends, and the list goes on....

    Maybe your train of thought is why it's so easy to play some girls. :P
    Read my post, which you even quoted. I LOL'ED about Justin's "quote" of the guy speaking.

    OF COURSE there are guys like that... but which of them do you know actually calls themselves a player, and sounding like a "bad" guy from Saved By The Bell?

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