NHL Bans Goal Celebrations

Alexander Ovechkin’s recent 50th goal celebration has entertained millions around the world. But one man isn’t smiling, and his name is Gary Bettman.

Bettman, who is commissioner of the NHL, has decided to put an end to this plague of entertaining goal celebrations. Starting next season, any player who over-celebrates a goal will be fined for the first offense, and then suspended for any subsequent offenses.

“What Ovechkin did last week was unacceptable,” said Bettman. “We are trying to attract fans to this sport, and the last thing we need is an entertaining hockey player who puts smiles on children’s faces and promotes the game of hockey to a greater audience. It’s disgusting.”

Bettman was even more concerned with the way that Ovechkin’s goal celebration went viral on the internet.

“His goal and subsequent celebration was getting millions of hits on YouTube. This isn’t what the NHL needs. The NHL needs to continue to only post videos on YouTube that either involve a violent cheap shot or a fight resulting in a serious injury.”

Under the new rule, after a goal is scored the player is allowed to raise one arm in the air and distribute a maximum of three high-fives to his team-mates. Exceptions are made for overtime and record breaking goals as a player is allowed to raise both arms in the air and may acknowledge the crowd with a smile.

Under special circumstances a player is allowed to drop to one knee and give a fist pump. These special circumstances include a hat-trick goal or an empty-netter that clinches a playoff position for their respective team.

Fans are also being encouraged to report any incidents of over-celebrating to the NHL. They can call 1-800-NO-SMILES for more information.